紐約繁華之下：聽見心的漣漪
Beneath the Glamour of New York: Hearing the Ripples of the Heart
明天週五，是二月十四情人節；就在昨日，元宵節也靜靜走過。我向來對節慶不甚執著，但猛然發現自己又與它們擦身而過，心頭仍會泛起微微的漣漪。
Tomorrow is Friday, February 14 — Valentine’s Day. Just yesterday, the Lantern Festival passed quietly. I’ve never been particularly attached to holidays, but realizing that I’ve once again brushed past them stirs faint ripples in my heart.
自去年五月二十日畢業後搬到紐約，轉眼已過了八個半月，時光呼嘯而逝。最初的新鮮感，源自對紐約繁華的驚嘆 — 當我入住哈德遜河畔的頂級豪樓，那超乎想像的奢華令人目眩神迷。然而僅僅一兩個月後，我突然感到生活失去了熱情，或許是長期以來想達成的目標終於告一段落，一時失卻前進的方向感、目標感和動能⋯。
It has been eight and a half months since I moved to New York after graduating on May 20 last year. Time has flown by. At first, I was captivated by the city’s dazzling glamour — stunned by the luxury of my high-rise apartment by the Hudson River, a level of opulence beyond imagination. Yet, just a month or two later, I found myself feeling strangely uninspired by life. Perhaps it was the sense of completion after achieving long-held goals, leaving me momentarily without a clear direction, purpose, or momentum.
夏末時分短暫返鄉，在台北、上海、香港和深圳四處走訪，與老友相聚、暢談，並感念那些在大陸請我吃飯卻不讓我花半分錢的朋友們。漫步黃浦江畔，情緒如江水般洶湧難平；在維多利亞港灣的渡輪上任細雨拍打，思緒則益發沉澱。能坦然表達種種情緒，本身便是一種幸福 — 這些年常與新朋友同行，也有許多快樂，然而與初識者之間總難免一層隱隱的壓力，唯有與不會走散的老友們相處，才能真正卸下所有心防。
At the end of summer, I made a brief trip home, traveling through Taipei, Shanghai, Hong Kong, and Shenzhen, reconnecting with old friends and reminiscing. I deeply appreciate those friends in mainland China who treated me to meals and refused to let me pay a cent. Walking along the Bund, emotions surged like the river’s currents; on the ferry across Victoria Harbour, raindrops fell as my thoughts settled. To be able to express emotions freely is a form of happiness in itself. Over the years, I’ve had many joyful moments with new acquaintances, but there is always an unspoken pressure when forming new connections. Only with old friends — the ones who will never drift away — can I completely let my guard down.
秋初微涼，回到紐約並結識了新朋友，經歷了一些屬於秋日的美好時光，但似乎仍缺了那麼一點無法言喻的元素。於是我竭力填滿自己的日程，讓忙碌淹沒所有思慮。生活只剩持續向前的腳步、一些踏實，以及在所難免的身體疲憊。年末時，美國其他州的朋友先後在感恩節與聖誕節造訪，那段時日倒是十分熱鬧。
As early autumn brought cooler air, I returned to New York and made new friends, experiencing some wonderful autumn days. Yet, something remained inexplicably missing. So, I packed my schedule to the brim, using busyness to drown out wandering thoughts. Life became a series of relentless steps forward — a sense of stability mixed with inevitable physical exhaustion. Toward the year’s end, friends from other states visited for Thanksgiving and Christmas, making that time feel particularly lively.
在紐約的這些日子，我反覆體會到三種情緒：
- 一是「怎能如此幸運地過上這種生活？」
- 二是「若有一天再也無法擁有，我能否接受？」
- 三則是「好孤單、好乏力，什麼都不想再做」。
During my time in New York, three recurring thoughts have surfaced:
1. “How am I so lucky to be living this kind of life?”
2. “If one day I lost it all, could I accept it?”
3. “I feel so lonely, so drained — I don’t want to do anything.”
當我住在配有籃球場、網球場、足球場、攀岩場、滑板場、游泳池與電影院的公寓；找到一份工作強度不高、福利卻相當優渥：在麥迪遜花園貴賓包廂看演唱會，享受VIP接待；也能在公司電影院參加電影前映會，見到好萊塢明星；每日品嘗紐約各式餐館、前排欣賞球賽與演出、把Hudson Yards 36樓的頂級健身房當作自家後院，甚至環遊世界也不再是天方夜譚⋯。或許對許多人來說，這些不值一提，但於我而言，的確是再幸運不過。
I live in an apartment equipped with basketball courts, tennis courts, soccer fields, a climbing wall, a skate park, a swimming pool, and a movie theater. I have a job that isn’t overly demanding yet comes with exceptional benefits: attending concerts from VIP suites at Madison Square Garden, enjoying film pre-screens at my company’s private theater where I see Hollywood stars, dining wonderful restaurants in New York, watching games and performances from front-row seats, treating the luxury gym on the 36th floor of Hudson Yards as my backyard, and even traveling the world no longer feels out of reach.
For many, these things may seem trivial, but to me, they feel like incredible fortune.
然而，如此幸運究竟意味著什麼？有些人認為無需深究，稱心快意即可；也有人提醒，在紐約活出自己的節奏是要務，對於他人不需投入過深，畢竟這裡的人來去匆匆。但一切真就這樣而已嗎？
Yet, what does such luck truly mean? Some believe there’s no need to overthink it — just enjoy life. Others remind me that in New York, it’s crucial to live at your own pace and not invest too deeply in people who come and go. But is that really all there is to it?
曼哈頓的夜幕下，耐心常常稍縱即逝；機會、渴望與流動從未停歇，偶爾讓人誤以為這裡藏有無限可能。可當晨曦將雲霧照散，沒有什麼會為你停留 — 包括你自己，因為相信「機率」的人始終是多數。
Under Manhattan’s night sky, patience often feels fleeting. Opportunities, desires, and movement never cease, sometimes creating the illusion of infinite possibilities. But when dawn breaks and the mist lifts, nothing ever truly stays — not even yourself — because in this city, most people believe in playing the odds.
日復一日，彷彿在這座賭場裡越押越大，明明已快撐不住，卻又難以戒除賭性。長久浸泡在這種壓力中，偶爾甚至會生出些古怪行徑，只因尚未贏得一把巨大的勝利便不肯罷手；然而這似乎與心中真正渴望的東西背道而馳。
Day after day, it feels like I’m in a casino, making ever-riskier bets. Even when I’m nearing my limit, I can’t seem to stop gambling. Immersed in this pressure for so long, I sometimes catch myself displaying strange behaviors, unwilling to walk away until I’ve secured a massive win. And yet, this way of living seems to run counter to what I truly long for in my heart.
其實，何嘗不想停下腳步，平息心中躁動，何嘗不想尋回那些最原初的本質，感受最簡單的美好，結束這場漫長的征戰。或許眼下只剩祈禱，但我無意放棄，依舊懷抱希冀。
Truthfully, I do want to pause, to quiet the restlessness within me, to rediscover the essence of things, to appreciate the simplest of joys, to end this long battle. Maybe all I can do now is pray. But I have no intention of giving up — I still hold onto hope.
「⋯凡是真實的，凡是莊重的，凡是公義的，凡是純潔的，凡是可愛的，凡是有美名的；若有甚麼德行，若有甚麼稱讚，這些事你們都要思念。」(腓4:8)
“…whatsoever things true, whatsoever things noble, whatsoever things just, whatsoever things pure, whatsoever things amiable, whatsoever things of good report; if any virtue and if any praise, think on these things.”(Phi 4:8)
願目光定於真實，願誠實常駐於心，使人能坦然無懼，如紫禁城匾額所言：光明正大。
May my gaze remain fixed on truth, and may honesty reside in my heart, allowing me to live with clarity and courage — just as the inscription on the Forbidden City reads: Open and Upright.
後記 Postscript
前兩天寫了情人節特輯：《紐約繁華之下：聽見心的漣漪》，不少朋友給了回應、鼓勵，或提出建議。說實話，原本沒想過會有多少人真的讀完這麼長的文章，所以特別感謝那些花時間回應的人。
A couple of days ago, I wrote a Valentine’s Day piece: “Beneath the Glamour of New York: Hearing the Ripples of the Heart.” Many friends responded with encouragement or shared their thoughts. To be honest, I didn’t expect many people to actually finish reading such a long post, so I’m especially grateful to those who took the time to reply.
我盡量不讓自己整天寫一堆字，免得顯得太dramatic。但可能因為上一篇的色調有些灰暗，容易讓人誤會，所以還是想再補充一點，免得傳達出錯誤的訊息。
I try not to write excessively, as I don’t want to seem too dramatic. But because my previous post had a rather somber tone, I don’t want it to be misunderstood.
我很享受現在的生活。每天都有很多值得感恩的事情，對未來也充滿期待，有許多想進步的地方，也有不少想實現的目標。我願意帶著耐心，不斷嘗試、探索前方的路。
I genuinely enjoy my life right now. Every day, there’s so much to be grateful for, and I look forward to the future. There’s a lot I want to improve, and plenty of goals I want to achieve. I’m willing to be patient, to keep trying, to explore the road ahead.
但在當前的處境下，我能感受到很多不一樣的情緒和起伏，寫下這些感受，只是希望如果有人能對某些點產生共鳴，那會是一件很棒的事；即使沒有，這也會是對自己的一份誠實記錄。
But in my current situation, I experience a range of emotions and ups and downs. Writing about them is simply a way to express them — if someone resonates with even a small part, that would be wonderful. And if not, this still serves as an honest record for myself.
許多認識我的人會說我的優點是情緒穩定，但有時候我會想，這是優點嗎？或著這是我想要的嗎？獨自在海外的這些年，尤其是在紐約的日子，那些交錯、波動的情緒被放大了，難以忽視。
Many who know me describe me as emotionally stable, but sometimes I wonder — is that really a strength? Or is it just something I’ve adapted to? Living abroad for years, especially in New York, has amplified emotions in ways that are hard to ignore.
但我並不覺得這是壞事。就像《腦筋急轉彎》裡的各種情緒 — It’s okay to not be okay。這些情緒本來就是構成我們的一部分，使人完整。珍貴的是，我們可以給每種情緒一點時間，去理解它，學習如何與之相處，讓自己在不同的境遇中，能夠更加游刃有餘。
But I don’t see that as a bad thing. Like the emotions in Inside Out — It’s okay to not be okay. These emotions are all part of what makes us whole. What matters is giving each one its due time, learning how to coexist with them, and finding our footing in different circumstances.
保羅說：「我知道怎樣處卑賤，也知道怎樣處富餘；或飽足、或飢餓、或富餘、或缺乏，在各事上，並在一切事上，我都學得祕訣。」(腓4:12)
Paul said: “I know both how to be abased and I know how to abound. In everything and in all things I am initiated both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer privation.” (Phi 4:12)
也許在經歷過足夠多的起伏後，才能像蘇軾所說：「回首向來蕭瑟處，也無風雨也無晴。」
Maybe only after experiencing enough ups and downs can we, like Su Shi, look back and say: “Looking back at the bleak places I’ve been, there was no storm, nor sunshine — just life as it is.”
That’s life. 活著很好。
